Author Archives: hermit
Piqued/Peeked
Image
Summertiming
And the music is breezy.
https://open.spotify.com/embed/playlist/71Y1EkbfDexWlMkIRkqtyz
Song Lyrics: Drifter
Still
Adrift
So long
Becalmed by a calamity
That grabs attention
Like the worst kind of celebrity
A tern
(A bird)
Astern
Screamed past my ear and said to me
You should feel fear
When hungry sharks are drawing near
Still
Afloat
I note
In a sea of unaccounted casualties
Still breathing
Is the plus side of the balance sheet
Still
A rest
A test
We’re breaking down, the best of us
Unlock our underwater chests
Give our breathing back to us
This is me. But this is not me.
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Song Lyrics: Dig this, Lazarus
Lazarus,
Come dazzle us
Show up in my town
We can wrestle for the crown
Of the oldest son of a bitch
Still taking steps
Above ground
I’m aged
Like bottles of bourbon
More kick but even still
Kinder in the morning
Time draws lines
Around our faces
Maybe just
To put us in our places
But I don’t have the grace
To go before I say
I’m aged
Like wheels of cheddar
Skin got tough, taste is
Sharper. Better.
I live a life
Seasoned like the sea
If it’s just
A lie that I am free
Then it’s a lie that I believe
I know what I should I say
Lazarus,
Come dazzle us,
I’ll be easy to track down.
I’ll be wearing the crown
Of the oldest son of a bitch
Still taking steps
Above ground
Rebounding: tips on coping with depression and anxiety
In the spring of 2006, I wasn’t sure I would ever be able to hold down a full-time job again.
At the height of my earning power, I pulled down more than six digits a year, working for organizations (think marketing agencies and software development firms) that did their best to be fun, friendly places to spend time. I loved the work. In the late 1990s and the early 2000s, working with the web and social media, I felt like a modern-day pioneer, helping to open a new frontier. At Tribal DDB, the managing director finagled me a window office, complete with a breathtaking view of downtown Chicago and Michigan Ave. Clients trusted me; coworkers (almost universally creative, brilliant, charming) said kind and complimentary things that to this day make me blush.
Around 2006, though, everything fell apart. All the aspects of my work that I previously enjoyed – collaborating with others, sharing knowledge, producing great work, wowing C-suite clients with amazing presentations – became nerve-wracking drudgery. A shadow fell over my world. I felt frozen, and useless, and all I could think to do was run away from full-time work. For years, I was content to be a house husband, and lucky enough to have a spouse who gave me the time and space I needed to recover.
Finding my way back has not always been easy. First, and maybe most important, was recognizing that I needed professional help for the depression and anxiety that went untreated most of my adult life. Antidepressant medication helped. Talking with a therapist helped, too. For anyone reading who might be contemplating self-harm of any sort – anyone feeling that they just want to escape the world – I beg you, please, talk to your doctor, and be honest with her. Anti-depressant medications have side effects, and those aren’t any fun, but the meds played a significant role in helping me see the world more clearly. Yes, depressed people, it’s true: The world’s a better place with all of us in it.
Other strategies have helped me, too, and for everyone out there trying to manage perpetual gloom and tension, I wanted to share them.
+ Meditation. I can’t recommend highly enough Dan Harris’ book “Ten Percent Happier.” I wish I’d known how to meditate back when I had my glamorous window office; I might have enjoyed the view longer.
+ Mindfulness. I think there’s a time and a place for sitting in front of a TV set and watching something silly and entertaining, but I’ve also learned there’s value in trying to stay present in the moment. (My anxiety manifests most powerfully when I imagine some terrible future and start to ‘catastrophize,’ using a term from the mental health industry.) I’ve taken up playing bass guitar, and after a lifetime of ordering in or picking up fast food my spouse and I are making home-cooked meals every Sunday. Our pot roast is pretty good, but even better is the time spent together, fully engaged on what’s happening around us moment to moment.
+ Mild to moderate exercise. I’ve never been an athlete: you don’t need to be one, either. I take walks, and they’re particularly helpful when I’m feeling frustrated. I don’t think that airing frustrations in the office place – whether as gossip with a confidante or in an open confrontation – is a wise or effective tactic. Better to walk off that emotional energy and return in a more solutions- and team-oriented mindset.
+ Empathy and humility. If you’re feeling down, the notion of humility being an effective tool for feeling better might not seem logical. But my experience of depression and anxiety has been that both distort our perceptions of ourselves and others. Depression tells lies. Depression tells sufferers that they are remarkable, if only in how little value they provide to the world and their loved ones. Humility (as I understand the concept) denies that having depression makes you remarkably or exceptionally awful. Humility reminds us that we have much more in common with our fellow humans than we have differences. Empathy is another tactic that might seem odd to someone in the depths of severe depression, but I find it profoundly helpful to remind myself that the people with whom I interact are likely struggling with their own burdens. Depression tells people in its grip that everything is about you, but that’s just another lie.
It’s the spring of 2021, and I’m eager to find regular work again. It is, ironically, possibly the worst climate in my lifetime in which to find a job. The freelance clients who provided me with a steady dripline of work through the years have either lost their own jobs or seen their discretionary budgets slashed to nothing. That’s okay; I’m open to the idea that it’s time for me to leave behind the world of online marketing and user experience design and push into new realms. I’m also of the opinion that my own struggles with adversity have helped me become a better teammate, manager and employee.
I’m looking forward to practicing everything I recommend above, and if I slip up? I hope I’ll be working with a team that will hold me accountable.
Song Lyric: Wall Breaker
I’ll tell you a secret
I think you
Need to hear it
We’re on TV right now
Beaming live
Into the depths of space
The whole human race
If you catch a mic boom
Hanging over the room
Play it cool
We’re on TV right now.
I’ll tell you a secret
I think you
Need to hear it
Its supposed to appear
Like it’s only humans here
So no matter what you hear
Or if your best friend disappears
Play it cool
We’re on TV right now.
I’ll tell you a secret
I think you
Need to hear it
We’re on TV right now.
Streaming light
Into the darkest places
(The whole human race is)
If an alien voice yells ‘cut’!
Don’t ask ‘Or what’?
Play it cool
We’re on TV right now
Pillow Fighting
Dear J,
I default to sleeping on my stomach with two pillows, one underneath my head and the other on top of (and sometimes held in) my right arm. If I’m exhausted, I might fall asleep on my back, but on my stomach is the default. There’s only one problem: Penny has decided my dual pillow approach is perfect… for her.
She always wakes me up cautiously, though her daily approach varies. Sometimes, she combs the hair on the back of my head with just-barely extended claws. Other times, she smooshes herself against my chest. This morning, I got a series of gentle pats on my chin. If I get up to pee or get a drink of water, our little lady doesn’t waste any time settling down into a blissed-out state that I can’t bring myself to disturb, no matter how much of a grump I am waking up.
P is just as much of a sap with Penny as I am, if not more. He always said he wanted a cat who bonded with him the way Echo and I did; one wish fulfilled.
I’m talking about Penny to distract myself; I was disappointed to hear Fauci say ‘open season’ for vaccines won’t begin until June or later. I’ve been following events in TX, feeling awful for the people stuck in cold homes. One of our apartments lost heat and water for a stretch of days one winter, and it was *miserable,* though not the mortal peril people in TX face this afternoon.
I see pundits and politicians – mostly on the right, but some lefties, too – trying to score culture war points off the disaster in TX. I’m so tired of people indulging in ideological pillow fights while ignoring the real issues facing the country. Maybe chill out on spreading lies about windmills or indulging in schadenfreude until *after* there are warm shelters and food available to everybody in TX?
I got my chores done yesterday: Chicago’s main streets are clear and salted, but the side streets were treacherous. Lots of slipping and sliding. People are still digging out; all day, our neighbor Pat has been coaching drivers in our alley how to recover from losing traction.
Lots of people seem to be spinning out and getting stuck these days.
I know exactly how they feel.
Much love and ::hugs::
C/
Time of the Seasoning
12:07 pm CST
Today’s Sunday dinner is steak and twice-baked potatoes. We started the potatoes at noon; while P washed and oiled up the ‘taters, I sat down and read the instructions for seasoning our new cast iron griddle. Excuse me? Three coats of oil, baked at 450 for 30 minutes each, before the griddle is ready for cooking?
Glad we started early!
The temperature outside is sitting in single digits. If there was ever a day to keep the oven fired up, this is the one. P said this morning that he’s feeling better, emotionally, then he has in a long while. Music to my ears! Is it the slow but real progress on the vaccine front? The incredible shrinking media presence of a former POTUS? Reduced stress from work? Doesn’t hurt that we’re both doing a better job listening to one another and being sensitive to each other’s vulnerabilities.
2:41 pm CST
How much oil is enough? I felt like I went light on round 1; round 2 I got enough on the griddle I had to buff excess oil off, as per the instructions. (I had no excess in round 1.) Back into the oven the griddle goes. P is playing games online with his cronies. I’m playing the newest version of Civilization on my computer as I wait for my alarm to ring.
“It’s the time and the season/ For… seasoning”
3:54 pm CST
I think I see a difference in the griddle surface. I didn’t stint with layer three of the olive oil. I was originally planning on doing the minimum number of seasoning rounds, but maybe a fourth is in order? Not sure how much I got out of round one.
Diligent -or- perfectionist? Ask me again tomorrow, I’ll have a better answer.
4:24 pm CST
I pulled the griddle from the oven. A shiny layer was visible, so I’m cautiously declaring the seasoning process a success. P and I are planning on dinner around six; the potatoes have been baked once, but not bisected, smooshed, doctored, mixed, poured, re-covered and baked again. I will be required to grate cheese, but otherwise it’s P’s show. He’s gaming until 5, so we’re on hold until then.
6:30 pm CST
Stuffed. Struggling to stay ambulatory. Griddle did a nice job providing searing and close-to-grill flavor. The steaks themselves were a little tough… but we didn’t buy the best strip steaks on offer, just to depressurize our first run. P found a recipe for twice-baked potatoes that included tons of butter and milk… when I went to mix up the potato mixture, he asked that I leave the consistency more like potatoes au gratin than mashed potatoes. The result was greasy but delicious: next time, we’ll try to hit that silky mashed texture.
Is it all a lot of bother? Yes. But P and I both enjoyed the fuss and bother today.
And I’m going to sleep well tonight.
::hugs::
C/