Judy,

There’s no way I can ever repay you for the help and assistance you’ve given Mom. I know you and she enjoy each other’s company most of the time; that helps me feel less indebted and/or guilty. But the truth remains: you’ve been essential when it’s come to keeping Mom safe and comfortable as the pandemic rages.

Thank you for that. ::big bear hugs::

My fizzy post-inauguration energy has diminished. My thoughts are turning increasingly to what I can do to generate some revenue… I had a series of nightmares last night, dwelling on that exact theme. In one, I was being badgered to admit I was a failure as a writer; in another, I was stuck in a airport with no wallet, phone or tickets. I didn’t even have shoes. I walked quickly, hoping no one would notice I was barefoot, but that meant I couldn’t look to see where I was going.

The irony is that Paul and I are doing better than 90% of our fellow Americans. We can afford to get banana cream pies delivered to our doorstep!

I’m gradually growing accustomed to a much slower and saner news feed. Part of me misses the endorphin rush from doom scrolling; a much larger part feels weak with relief at how close we came to actual utter disaster.

But I’m trying to keep looking forward.

“All together now/ All together, alone in the chrysalis…”

Barrels of love! 

C/

Dear J,

I didn’t expect to feel energized after listening to Uncle Joe’s inauguration speech, but suddenly stuff languishing on my to do list seemed plausible. Vacuum and dust whole house? Tend to leaves shed by Cyril the Ficus Tree? Empty trash cans and litter box and take bags and recycling down the snowy alley to the bins? Done, done, done.

I’m getting ideas again (above my station?) about my new fiction thing. Feeling like I have a grip on two main characters -and- the villain. (One of my rules for a good villain is that they have to reflect or provide a counterpoint to the hero.) I’ve begun drafting some paragraphs, just to keep myself grounded while I’m thinking conceptually.

There’s a song by the band OK Go, called “All Together Now.” There’s a lyric from the song: “We’re all together now/ Alone in a chrysalis.” I love the idea that the world we occupy here in January 2021 is like a chrysalis, a necessary stasis that precedes what could be an amazing transformation. (I also appreciate how the phrase ‘all together now’ shifts in meaning between the first two lines, with the ghost of the Beatles track hovering in the background of both. “1,2,3,4… can I have a little more?”)

Appreciate you navigating the phonescape for vaccines for you and Mom. P’s stepmom and dad got their appointments for the vaccine, but they couldn’t land a date before the end of March.

I understand double masking is proving to be more effective than single? Paul and I are planning on switching from our beloved cloth masks to more high-tech models. A gaming company has promised a mask with a speaker and mic to boost the sound of your voice without you having to shout.

Flying cars are a no show, space travel has been off the menu since the 80s, but we’ve got communicators and tricorders a la Star Trek in our back pockets, and now commercially manufactured masks that make people sound like Darth Vader. The future is not at all as my younger self imagined it would be.

Anyway. I ramble. Thinking of you.

C/

. 

Dear J,

Snow is coming down fast and hard, blanketing the city, but quietly. The roads are fine; there hasn’t been enough accumulation yet to bring the plows put in force, and it’s late enough that no one nearby is messing around with a snow blower. It’s peaceful. Peaceful is nice.

I tried to get P to come look at the snow, but he’s deep in a video game; I approve. He put in a long day at work, this should be play time.

Relieved that this embarrassing episode in American politics will be over at noon tomorrow. I think the next few months are going to be bleak on the pandemic front, but I’m cautiously optimistic about progress with vaccines and a more competent federal government.

(P just emerged from his office and agreed that the snow is really pretty.)

Thinking of you, sis. Hope getting around isn’t too precarious right now. Also hope you’re feeling the same glimmers of relief that I am about the change in political climate.

::hugs:: and love! 

C/

Dear J,

P got angry today. He keeps thinking at some point the GOP will repudiate the mob; he keeps getting disappointed. I told him I heard him, that I agreed that disappointment and moral outrage are valid responses to the attempted violent overthrow of a landslide election. The Greeks (I said to him, knowing nothing cools tempers and lifts spirits like a philosophy lesson) held that outrage about injustice was both useful and admirable, because without outrage things never get better.

But when anger makes it impossible to enjoy the day, when being mad won’t let you sleep or eat, when rage ruins every waking minute… I can testify it’s not a fun way to live. (He wasn’t mollified. Fair enough.)

My current theory is we should be squeezing as much happiness out of the day as we can, but… it’s not always an easy mind set to embrace.

Hey, I got laundry done today! Other incidentals… My new PC is much, much faster than the old model; download speed is literally 10x better. The roast was good… Paul finished off the last of the leftovers for lunch today. Penny is trying to conceal a little creakiness in her joints, but that doesn’t stop her from scaling her tower and insisting on morning snuggles from me.

Hope you’re babying that bum knee of yours. My right arm is pain free, but I’ve lost the ability to raise it much higher than level with my shoulder. Which… is fine, for now.

Just gotta hold on for a while.

Love. Also ::hugs:: 

C/

Dear J,

P’s mom loved the Mamas and Papas. I found an old recording of Mama Cass doing ‘Dream a little dream of me’ and added the song to the house playlist. Geez Louise, Mama Cass could sing!

P went back to work today. I showered, emptied the litter box, took the trash down the alley to the dumpster, went to the bank and visited the dispensary. My new PC arrived! I’ll set the machine up tonight.

I’ve been marooned in the gray zone you describe so well. Didn’t shower for four or five days because… I couldn’t be bothered. My throat and cheeks itched from my wispy beard, but the effort required to pull out the clippers, shave, and clean up after myself seemed Herculean. So I didn’t bother. I slept a bunch. I brushed my teeth, but otherwise… I smelled bad. But showering remained too much of an effort.  (I had a similar thought as you about those early hominids who hibernated: hey, my kind of people!)

As Christmas recedes in the rear view window, my spirits are slowly improving. P and I have been watching a lot of comfort TV; British cooking shows, crazy comic book style romps… we’re watching episodes of the original Bob Newhart show, too, the one set in Chicago?

P and I are also trying to live more mindfully. We’re trying new routines. Sundays, we work together on a meal; the lasagna we put together yesterday wasn’t bad! Probably would have been better if Amazon didn’t substitute a pound of mozzarella for the ricotta we requested, but… no complaints. Next week we’ll try grilling steaks on the stove and some sort of potato side (twice baked?)

Love,

C/